My Spirituality – Why I don’t fear death (Part 3)

Now that the background of my religious/spiritual progression has been discussed, and my belief in reincarnation explained, I can now proceed with detailing my past life regression experience.

When I called Carol Bowman initially she of course wanted to know what my main purpose in having a session with her was for. Beyond the normal curiosity and wanting actual proof, I had an issue that I was hoping to find the background on. Without going into tons of detail, basically I had struggled with “abandonment” issues since high school. I had more than one close best friend who for seemingly no reason stopped caring about me. One in particular I spent nearly 2 years trying to regain ties with or at bare minimum understand why our friendship ended seemingly overnight. It just seemed to be a pattern that I would get so close to a person and then they would just stop caring and never provide me any closure as to what happened. I have been plagued by many dreams about being abandoned, related to one person in particular, where I would be crying or screaming, just trying to find answers. They were, and still are at times, the most emotionally charged dreams I’ve ever experienced. I really believed something had happened in a past life that caused me to struggle with this reoccurring issue in my current life. Carol thought it was something we could resolve with a session which would come to $400 for a 3 hour session. Having spent about $100 an hour for regular counseling in my life I felt like while it was a large sum, it was one that would be worth it.

The first hour of my session was very much like a regular counseling session. Carol asked me to describe the abandonment issue in detail and probed to see if there was anything in this life that may have caused the problem. As I’ve always had a great family life (no parent leaving me when I was a child or anything), she agreed too that the issue probably stemmed from something in my past. The second hour began with a few minutes of relaxation. She had me close my eyes and focus on individual body parts, releasing tension and such. One misconception I had from reading Michael Newton’s books was that I would be put into an actual “hypnosis” where I wouldn’t be aware of what was going on around me. This was not the case; I was still conscious of everything, but in a more relaxed state of being both physically and mentally than I had ever been before. At this part of the session Carol put on a tape recorder to record my session so that I would then have a copy to take home (I still have yet to listen to it since my session) which I think is a nice perk.

Another misconception I had was that in experiencing a past life I believed I would see the images in my mind clearly, almost like watching a movie, but again that was not the case. Carol calls the images “impressions” and it’s kind of like when you’re having a dream and you can’t fully see where you are, but you just innately know where you are. It actually took me some time before I saw anything. Carol probed me by having me repeat the mantra “Why did they leave me?” and focus on what I was feeling rather than try to force myself to see anything.

An image slowly started forming, and I told her I was sitting on a floor with a wood table beside me and my legs felt numb and my feet were cold. The image of the kitchen slowly filled in for me and she asked questions on if I was there alone (which I was), what I felt, if I thought I was male or female, etc. All her questions focused on what I felt and saw, it was nothing like a psychic where you hear them say things like “Oh I see a young boy in your life” to kind of prompt you to say things; she just guided me and let the images and feelings come to me.

I realized I was living in like the era of Laura Ingalls Wilder, which we figured to be around the 1890s, in a log cabin that had a barn beside it and land but with trees all around it.  For awhile I got no sense of anyone else being there, but finally I had an impression of a young adult male standing inside the kitchen door in a military uniform.  I actually recognized him to be my current boyfriend Jason in this life, and he was my older brother in that life.  I know that probably sounds really weird (my sister was like “Ew you’re dating your brother!”), but it wasn’t like that to me because I had already learned about souls taking different roles in a person’s life each life, and was fully comfortable with the concept.  She asked me what happened to our parents but the answer never came to me (she said the rest of the story may fill in through dreams or visions in days, weeks or months to come).  I told her he left me, I didn’t think to go to war, just that he had a job to do.  She asked if he was coming back and I said I think he was supposed to.  She asked how I felt when he left and I literally started crying.  The emotions were real; I felt the abandonment, my stomach was upset/sick, and I was crying real tears during our session.  I said how he left me, he didn’t care anymore, etc.

She asked me to go in my mind to years later when I was soon going to die, and I said I saw myself on a rocking chair on the porch as an old lady; he never came back, and I had lived there all alone waiting for him to return. She said to go to right before I died and I said I saw myself standing upstairs.  She said to envision my spirit leaving through my head and what it did after; I said I was hovering above the house feeling sad, that I couldn’t leave because I was supposed to wait for him to come back.  She said to focus upward and on what I felt, and I said it felt like a vertical wind pulling me upward.  As I moved up I felt calmer and relaxed.  She told me to look for my brother in the spirit world and an image of his face came through to me, not totally clear but enough that I recognized it.  She said to ask him why he left and didn’t come back, and I told her he said I needed to learn to take care of myself, to be self sufficient and that he loved me.  I said I got the impression he had met someone and got married and had kids and just started a new life which is why he didn’t come back.

As I was coming out of the session we focused on linking the lives, and I said I felt like he was always meant to come back, just not in that life, but that he’s back now in my life as my boyfriend and isn’t going to go away. We believe the reason I couldn’t overcome being emotionally abandoned in this life and felt more strongly about it than most people would is because I treated each abandonment with the same reaction as I did when I had been physically abandoned.  She said we don’t always resolve issues right away in the next life, that I probably lived lives between then and now, but that I could’ve been working on other issues and it was this life that was meant to resolve that abandonment issue from that life.

Since I had my past life session I am a firm believer in reincarnation.  While I still have the nightmares sometimes they are much less frequent and do not upset me nearly as much because I understand the underlying cause.  I admit it has desensitized me somewhat when it comes to people dying, though I have never grieved in what most would consider to be “traditional” anyway.  I’ve never needed to see a dead body for closure, and never saw a point in visiting people’s graves.  I view death as just the process of things; we live and learn and we die and get the answers that we never got on Earth and we live again.  I find a lot more comfort in this than I ever did in following Christianity.  I like knowing that I don’t have to “figure it all out” in this life and knowing that the clock isn’t ticking so to speak for me to do all that I want.  It helps me to know that I’ll find the answers to unanswered questions, and that it really is ok to make mistakes because that’s what we’re here to do – literally live and learn.

About Tracy

Runner. Writer. Reader. Environmental and Indigenous Peoples advocate. Work from home Workforce Specialist. NASM Certified Personal Trainer. Assistant Varsity Track Coach. Fascinated by the ocean, waterfalls and Christmas lights.
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